Chemo fug

Been back on the chemo since 2nd March, 3 cycles, nine more weeks of crap to make sure I get any lingering cancer cells out of my system as completely as  possible. 

I’ve now got through 4 weeks, and I have 5 weeks left, 35 days till the end of this treatment.  Can’t say it’s fun.  Much harder this time.  Waves of nausea for the first 4 or 5 days after each day 1 infusion that sit on you like a heavy cloak.  Nothing you can do except take the meds and wish it away.  

Ladies, I might just be getting a feel for what morning sickness is like, so my hat is off to you for handling it.  In fact I’m beginning to wonder if I am accumulating more of the maternity experience than I am naturally cut out for.  I’ve got morning, or rather all day sickness, I have cravings, my taste buds are all over the place, I’ve had a C section, or at least they cut through my abdomen, and once, long ago in Malawi, I got a sharp dose of food poisoning that left me with severe stomach cramps every few minutes for whole night that are the closest I will ever get to contractions.  I remember screaming with pain so badly that the scruffy house dogs sloped off scared and the 2 security guards outside ran off thinking I was being murdered.  OK I know, not the real thing...

I can’t concentrate on much for long, even this is an effort right now.  I get very tired and need to get some day sleep most days.  And my sense of taste has now deserted me just about completely, which is very dispiriting.  My nose leads me a merry dance along some tantalising memories of scent and taste, and then when I eat, nothing.  Or rather something like wet cardboard.  And yet Sooka tries so hard to cook me things that I’ll enjoy - I feel so ungrateful when I can’t finish, angry at the waste.

All I can do is to both receive the chemo gratefully and at the same time fight it with whatever energy I can find, if a little passively.  That means getting outside as much as possible to let fresh air clear the chemical fug.  We went to Chobham Common the other day and walked for a couple of hours in the sun, surrounded by open space, heather, birch trees, the call of birds, lizards and the amazing sweet coconut scent of beautiful yellow gorse flowers.  I got home tired but refreshed and could think beyond the chemo to the day, not so distant now, when this treatment will be over.

34 days & 23 hours from now...