SLO MO

As he speaks, it is not such good news,

I start to process

“it’s back...need to get it under control,

or we’re talking months...”

Not what I expected or prepared for

a silent thud as I fall back to earth,

so many questions windmill, struggling to form 

as this sinks to the shadows of my soul

there to leave an immovable mark

For a few moments time slows to eternity

no reference points, everything blurs and swirls

I am at the centre and yet removed

lost in a familiarity that I cannot touch

I am called back to consciousness by a sound,

small at first, then swelling

out of place, unforeseen 

yet familiar, frightening, it rattles my heart

the sobs of my wife

Pent up tears, now released, of realisation

of compassion, love, heartbreak, frustration

of anger, rage against impotence

an elemental fear

And I am the cause, the reason, the source

I pull her into my arms, away from the medics

I try to comfort, say things helpful

I rationalise but it doesn’t stop

and for the first time I feel helpless, lost,

aghast at the pain I have forced into a life undeserving

What have I done?  Why?