SLO MO
As he speaks, it is not such good news,
I start to process
“it’s back...need to get it under control,
or we’re talking months...”
Not what I expected or prepared for
a silent thud as I fall back to earth,
so many questions windmill, struggling to form
as this sinks to the shadows of my soul
there to leave an immovable mark
For a few moments time slows to eternity
no reference points, everything blurs and swirls
I am at the centre and yet removed
lost in a familiarity that I cannot touch
I am called back to consciousness by a sound,
small at first, then swelling
out of place, unforeseen
yet familiar, frightening, it rattles my heart
the sobs of my wife
Pent up tears, now released, of realisation
of compassion, love, heartbreak, frustration
of anger, rage against impotence
an elemental fear
And I am the cause, the reason, the source
I pull her into my arms, away from the medics
I try to comfort, say things helpful
I rationalise but it doesn’t stop
and for the first time I feel helpless, lost,
aghast at the pain I have forced into a life undeserving
What have I done? Why?